The Bluffer's Guide to Cricket by James Trollope

Author:James Trollope
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bluffer's Guides
Published: 2013-04-13T04:00:00+00:00

You might be surprised (and relieved) to discover that a lot of talk at a cricket match doesn’t actually involve cricket.

Since county cricket watchers are often impressed by any signs of insider knowledge, you might even go off at a slight tangent, mentioning, for example, that weather presenter John Kettley was a fairly decent league cricketer:

‘He used to play for Todmorden which, as you know, is the only Yorkshire side in the Lancashire League.’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, John was quite a useful bowler.’ (Note the use of the first name, suggesting familiarity).

‘Did you ever play against him?’

‘Just the once, but I think he must have been having an off-day.’

‘Really?’

‘I managed to hit him out of the attack. It’s the only time I’ve scored more than 20 in an over.’

‘I bet he’s never forgiven you.’

‘He’s probably forgotten all about me. Todmorden were a good side in those days, mind you. Brian Close was their pro.’

At which point the sensible bluffer will quit while he’s ahead. In fact, he probably should have stopped after that gem about the Lancashire League.

The temptation to cross the line from sensible to reckless can be strong but it’s nowhere near as dangerous as ‘walking behind the bowler’s arm’. This is just about the most heinous crime a spectator can commit in any form of cricket and will unleash a stream of bile from even the most mild-mannered anorak. They may not have been watching but will be infuriated by any interruption in play. The bowler, especially if he’s got a run-up of 50 yards or more, will threaten to throttle you or worse. He’ll have to start his run-up again, the batsman having stepped aside after being distracted by your movement. The umpire will probably give you a ticking off, too. In fact, you may as well go home.

TWENTY20

This is like four-day cricket in fast forward. It is the shortest version of competitive cricket, lasting about four hours on average. This is lightning fast in cricket terms, but still more than twice the length of a normal football or rugby match.

For a batsman, moving your feet isn’t as important as giving the ball a good whack. For a spectator, there’s little time to dwell on the finer points of the game; they are better advised to keep an eye on the action to avoid being hit by a ball heading in their direction.

The MCC coaching manual has certainly taken a battering, with Twenty20 showing contempt for the orthodox technique. Batsmen will scoop the ball over their heads or switch from hitting it right-handed to left-handed. For a new breed of cricketers, this is the future of cricket. So where should the bluffer stand?

Well, frankly, anything goes. Depending on your neighbour and the state of the match, you can argue that the Vandals are at the gates or that the shorter form has revived the game’s flagging fortunes (a better line during an exciting game). What is beyond doubt is that you can take a wild verbal swipe and miss, and no one will hold it against you.

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